Postnatal Intrusive Thoughts
Having intrusive thoughts once you’ve had you baby is way more common than you may think. Yet understandably they feel very worrying and distressing. You can feel that it is ‘just me’ (a lot of motherhood can feel that way).
Please know you are not alone, and actually the majority of mothers experience them. But they are still a taboo subject - so lets get this out in the open.
Intrusive thoughts are made up of unwanted and distressing thoughts and/or images, that are hard to dismiss and they tend to recur. They can be incredibly distressing. The intrusive thoughts can be about harming your baby in some way, and these thoughts are usually very much out of character with the person experiencing them. Women can feel shame, as well as distress and worry (classically they worry that someone will take their baby away because they are an unfit mother, or social services will get involded). So often mothers feel they should not mention them to health visitors or doctors, or their friends or even their partner. And these thoughts become isolating and make mothers doubt lots of other things they are doing too.
How are intrusive thoughts different from anxiety?
Intrusive thoughts are intense thoughts of harming your baby. They are things most people would never actually do but they pop up in your mind in an intrusive and often graphic way. Things like putting a pillow over your babys head, hit them against the floor, squeezed them really tightly when changing a nappy. As a doctor friend of mine said when I had my daughters ‘it’s ok to think about throwing your baby out of the window - just don’t actually do it’
them?'
This is different to anxiety about you baby. Things like worrying they are going to get sick, or have a bad reaction to their jabs, or that they may become really ill are anxiety, which is different. But again you can get support for this, so please don’t dismiss it..
How common are intrusive thoughts?
Very common.
Recent research suggests: ‘between 70 and 100% of new mothers report unwanted, intrusive thoughts of infant-related harm with as many as half of all new mothers reporting unwanted, intrusive thoughts of harming their infant on purpose.’
That is a huge number of women - you are definitely not alone in these thoughts.
Why do we get them?
Intrusive thoughts are most often are the result of a very potent mix of hormonal shifts, stress and sleep deprivation. With the stressed mind of early parenthood, combined with sleep deprived, plus the fact that you are naturally on high alert for danger in the early months of parenthood you can become hyper focused on the negative and on the look out for the worst thing that could happen.
Far from making you a ‘bad’ parent, this makes you are very ‘good’ parent. Your brain is simply trying you keep your baby safe - but it’s going a bit over the top basically, because you are tired and yet also wired with postnatal hormones.
These kinds of intrusive thoughts are rarely a cause for concern on their own. They are NOT an indication that you are a bad mother, or that you don’t love their baby, or that they will cause harm.
When your mind is stuck in this anxious setting it can spontaneously and without warning obliges parents with the most horrible and disturbing thoughts about their babies coming to harm.
It's minds job to churn out thoughts, they are not necessarily true or real but when they are distressing, frightening or disturbing in their nature, it is usually a sign that we are under pressure, stressed and more anxious than usual.
In far less common cases they can be a symptom of maternal OCD (in 3% of cases) . They can be associated with postnatal depression or anxiety. If you think this may be you, get in touch with your GP or health visitor.
What can you do?
1) Firstly appeal to your rational brain - know that they are INCREDIBLY common as I’ve already shown you. Also know that they are NOT an indication that the person is more likely to harm their baby than a person who is NOT having intrusive thoughts.
Also know they are nothing to feel ashamed about. They are your brain trying to keep your baby safe - but slightly over reacting (which all brains are prone to when stresse or uncertain)
2) Talk to your partner about them. You also may want to talk to friend, another new mother, or family or anyone who will treat you with compassion as they listen to you. Simply talking about the intrusive thoughts and someone listening to you (without judgement) may make them less likely. Whereas NOT talking about them may make them recur more frequently.
3) Talk to a healthcare professional if you feel you need more support. Your health visitor or GP can help. They can refer you to perinatal mental health team if you need extra support.
If you feel these thoughts are becoming overwhelming, or could be part of a postnatal ill health like postnatal depression or anxiety them PLEASE reach out as soon as possible.
4) Practicing compassionate mindfulness and teaching relaxation can bring relief to many of the parents that I support.
Lets break the taboo
Lets be open and honest about motherhood, and talk about these things that SO MANY mothers experiences, but so many do not feel they are allowed to talk about. This is a taboo we need to break, a stigma we need to smash.
These thoughts are so common, a normal brain response to the situation we are in, yet we feel shame or embarrassment about them. Lets talk about them, ask other mothers how they are and listen to them without judgement whatever they tell us.
Lets stop the silence on postnatal intrusive thoughts.
Susan x